The brand new shiny Apple iPhone 6s is out! OMG OMG OMG! It's...exactly the same as last year's model save better specifications instead. Oh yeah, and it has pressure sensors built into the screen. They are now doing away with the iPhone 5c and having a 5s for free if you sign a two year contract. The 5d now comes with bigger breasts, but the 5p has more services for streaming porn. They are working of the 6xxx plus for the perv in all of us on a HD screen big enough you can see the STD's crystal clear.
The iPad is being reinvented, or, um, wait, same pressure screen as the phones. Oh, and it's bigger. They brought over people from Microsoft to show them how well Microsoft Office works on the new 12.9 inch tablet (that isn't a joke, they actually use Microsoft Office to demonstrate it's best new features).
The Apple TV now has Siri built into it so she can now misunderstand you wanting to watch Big Bang Theory and instead pulls up Bad Boys starring Will Smith, which is actually entirely ok with me. Both Big Bang and Bad Boys are highly entertaining. Enough with the sarcasm though, the Apple TV will have a feature that let's you search it for a program and it will automatically look into Netflix, Hulu, and other streaming services simultaneously, so you don't have to type in "Home Improvement" on twelve different apps before realizing you'll have to find something else to watch.