Everybody likes to think their Superbowl party is something special.  They say, it's not like all the other ones.  Why, because you have craft beers instead of Bud Light and a humus platter instead of chips and salsa?  OMG, you have a 60" TV?  Wow, because I totally can't get one of those for $800 at Best Buy.  The thing that really separates events isn't the party itself, it's the guest list.  And here's the guest list for everybody's Superbowl party this year (please note, I use stereo typical gender for these roles, but they can be easily flipped, because my friend Brook is usually the Football Guy, except she has a vagina):

1. The Football Guy - This guy thinks the commercials are whatever.  There are usually a few of these, and they get pissed with all the loud people talking during the game...because this totally is the reason we are all gathered here.

2. The Commercial Guy - He's just here for the commercials.  He gets pissed when the football guys are discussing that last drive, because who cares, there's puppies running with horses on TV.

3. The Foodie - There's a TV?  Would you look at this spread though.  I made the thing with the 6 kinds of cheese that goes with the dippy thingies beside it, and here's my secret, I don't use fat free anything.

4. The Healthy Foodie - It's not quite mid-February yet, so I'm sticking to my New Year's resolution.  Only carrots and celery without dip for me.  Nobody is looking, how many chicken wings can I eat before they come back and judge me?

5. The Beer Snob - Why do you guys have so much light beer taking up room in the fridge.  My pony keg doesn't have room, and it's more important to be served cold. Also, I need a growler to maximize the flavor.  You have a chilled growler don't you?  You totally have to chill a growler.  What is a growler, you ask?  I have no clue, but this beer should be in one.

6. The Partier - Yeah, it's a Sunday night, but this occasion gives me a reason to rock out on a school night.  I don't get hangovers.  It's the third quarter already?  I puke and rallied at halftime.

7. The Yeller - Probably a football guy.  Shouts things like, "What kind of play was that?"  Also says things like "This cheese thingie is amazing," a the top of his lungs...for no apparent reason.

8. The Question Asker - After every play, leans towards the football guy and asks, "Why did that happen?"  Despite trying to be quiet and hide the fact that he knows nothing of football, the football guy is proud to show off by loudly answering his question, and then chuckling with his fellow football guys.

9. The Fantasy Footballer - Offering up opinions of why these players may be playing for a championship, but really aren't that good, because, you know advanced metrics and other bullshit nobody cares about.

10. The Bandwagoner - Wearing the teams jersey, brand new jersey, probably of the quarterback, talking about watching the game with their obscure relative who was a fan of that team.

11. The True Fan - Shows up in a 10 year old jersey of that linebacker that used to play for the team they are rooting for.

12. The Injured Former Football Player - Will explain to you why they didn't get that offer to play at WVU, but if they had been healthy, would probably be playing in this game, right now.

13. The Coach - Or so they think.  Wait until a play call didn't work, then states, I would have called that differently.  Because, a person who is that great at play-calling would totally be working in the lumber section at Lowe's instead of making millions as a head coach.

14. The Halftime Show Fan - This year it will probably be a huge Beyoncé fan, because the game doesn't matter, the commercials don't matter, but Queen Bey is on stage, bitches.

There are other fans, sure, but these are going to be at your Superbowl Party.  No matter how different your friends are, but keep telling yourself yours is different anyways.

Comment